


Like Real People Do

by grassysvu67



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Bisexuality, F/F, F/M, Love, M/F relationship, M/M, f/f relationship, m/m relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-08
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2018-09-07 05:37:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8785207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grassysvu67/pseuds/grassysvu67
Summary: Falling in love and being honest with yourself are never easy. There are often complications and broken hearts along the way, especially when you are openly bisexual. Olivia and Rafael's journeys lead them down different but similar roads to each other.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story is something very near and dear to my heart. I have been waiting to write this for awhile as a response to some things I have seen in the SVU fandom and from my interpretations of some events on the show. I hope you guys enjoy this and I appreciate any feedback you might have.

 

It has been a disaster of a day. Olivia had been called to a crime scene early in the morning. It appeared to be the work of the serial rapist they had been trying to nab for months. For Rafael, his case was beginning to fall apart thanks to some extreme narrow mindedness of the trial judge. At this moment though, he was glad to be home with Olivia. He figured they both needed a strong stiff drink tonight. Rafael popped open a bottle of scotch and poured two glasses, one with ice and one neat. As he walked over to the couch, he handed Olivia the glass with ice. Two cubes just how she liked it. He sat down next to her and gave her a sad smile. “Noah get to sleep okay?”

 

“Yeah he did. He had a good but busy day at pre-school. It wore the little guy out,” Olivia chuckled before taking a long slip.

 

“I’m glad someone had a good day today because I definitely didn’t,” Rafael sighed.

 

“I can’t believe the judge won’t let in testimony of Jake’s past domestic violence incidents.”

 

“I know, it shows a pattern and how he escalated. But the judge thought it was prejudicial and my argument that he abused Megan because she was bisexual was weak…despite all the stats,” The frustration and anger in Rafael’s voice was palpable. “He raped and killed her because he couldn’t handle the fact she broke it off with him and started dating a woman. The damn judge doesn’t get it…” He caught himself before his voice got too loud. He didn’t want to wake up Noah.

 

“I know, Rafael, I know. Some of this stuff is hitting a bit too close to home for me and for us…” Olivia whispered as she looked down at her drink.

 

Rafael reached for Olivia’s free hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. “Hey now…we’ll get through this together. We always do, right?” He tried to reassure her.

 

“God, you know it’s hard enough to come out and be honest with yourself and with others about who you are. But when a person who told you that they love you but turn around and hurt you because they can’t accept that part of who you are…I wish I could say this didn’t bother me but it does. It just brings up a lot of bad memories.”

 

“The judge and his attorney played on a bunch bi stereotypes. It pissed me off. After all this time, there are people who still don’t understand how it works for bi people, like us and all the others. Though I was a bit taken back by some of the comments I heard coming from the squad. I mean I would have thought especially with…”

 

Olivia cut him off quickly, “They don’t know. The only person who ever really knew was Elliot. I never felt comfortable telling the others. Nick might have known but I never said anything and he never brought it up.”

 

“Oh…”  
  
“I just,” Olivia hesitated, “It’s just hard sometimes. There have been days where I struggle to understand it and it’s not easy explaining it to others. Sometimes I have days where I wish I was just gay or straight. It would be a lot easier to just come out and say it. You don’t have to deal the comments or the questions.” She inched closer to Rafael and rested her head on his shoulder.

 

“Tell me about it. My mom, after we told her that we were officially a couple, she asked me if this meant I was no longer _that way_ and if I had finally decided to pick a side. She thinks since we’re together, I need to stop flip flopping,” Rafael shook his head, “Even after all this time she still misses the point.”

 

“That’s more than I ever got from my mom. My mom thought there was something terribly wrong with me and I was just acting out to punish her.” Olivia glanced over at the photograph of her and her mom from the day Olivia graduated from the policy academy. The picture sat next to a picture of Rafael, Noah and her at the beach and a picture of Rafael and his grandmother.

 

Rafael noticed Olivia looking at the photographs, “You never told me how you came out to your mom. It sounds like she didn’t take it very well.”

 

Olivia pushed off of Rafael’s shoulder and sat up. “Well, I never technically came out to her. She caught me with my friend Amy. When I was about fifteen, I became good friends with her. She had just moved to New York from Colorado. She and I hit it off right away. She told me early on that she had always liked girls and that she was gay. When I started questioning myself, Amy helped me through it. She told me that there wasn’t anything wrong with me and that it was okay to be bisexual. A person can like both guys and girls. She made me feel good about myself. I couldn’t help but develop a bit of a crush on her. So one day after school, she came over and we were home alone...well one thing led to another and we started hooking up. My mom came home to find us on the couch. Amy was in her underwear on top of me and my hand was between her legs. My mom saw us, and she flipped. She threw Amy out and lost it on me.

* * *

 

_“What the hell was that, Olivia? Who was that girl? What were you doing on my couch?” Serena screamed. She was beyond angry._

_“That was my friend, Amy…Mom please calm down. I can explain. Please.”_

_“Amy huh? So you’re some sort of queer now? Is that why you had some girl on top of you? What is wrong with you?”_

_“Please will you let me explain. Please don’t yell. Mom, I’m sorry. Please can we talk? I have to tell you something,” Olivia pleaded trying to calm her mom down without much success. She was trying hard not to cry but Serena always had a way of pushing Olivia to that point. Serena’s words always cut deep._

_“I walk into find my daughter and some slutty girl both pretty much naked on my couch, having lesbian sex. It disgusts me and of course I am going to yell! Why are you doing this to me? You have to be trying to punish me even more than you already do? How am I going to explain to everyone that my daughter is a fucking queer? I feel sick. My daughter the dirty lesbian…I don’t know how I am going to look people in the eye after this. Damnit Olivia! You are always finding ways to ruin my life!”_

_Olivia couldn’t hold back anymore and she began to cry, “Mom, I’m not trying to hurt you. I promise. I’m sorry! It’s just I have been wanting to tell you for awhile but I’ve been scared and confused. I’m not gay, I like guys too, I swear!”_

_“What? Come on! That’s stupid. Stop lying to me. You know damn well you can’t like both. You can either be one or the other and you better be straight. Don’t play with me Olivia. I swear, if I see that little whore friend of yours here again or if I catch you with another girl like that, I will kick you out of my house and you will never be allowed back. I don’t want any of this gay stuff happening here again. You need to stop it!”_

* * *

 

Olivia sighed, “I tried telling her over and over again but it didn’t work. I even tried to change who I was and how I felt. I didn’t want to hurt her but in the end I just hurt myself instead. She really thought I was punishing her because she thought I was angry at her drinking. Everything just got worse and I didn’t date or even kiss another girl until I met Alex.

 

Rafael reached out to Olivia again and wrapped his arm around her. Part of him wishes he could go back in time to have a sit down with Serena Benson to set her straight on how lucky she was to have such a wonderful daughter. He hated hearing the stories about Serena’s drinking and abuse. The emotional wounds from this never fully healed and he knew Olivia deserved so much better. This story though was brutal and struck him deep. Serena’s slurs felt like an attack on both of them together. Right now all Rafael could do was hold Olivia close and comfort her. He kissed the top of her head and whispered that he loved her.

 

The two sat in silence for a bit before Rafael spoke up, “Your mom’s reaction reminds me of my dad. He found out I was bisexual when he overhead my sister and me talking. My sister though she was always supportive and never judged. But not my dad. He found out and flew into a rage. He called me a faggot, a maricon and that he didn’t raise his only son to take it up the ass. I got angry and yelled back at him. I told him to fuck off. But then he hit me and told me to never come back because fags aren’t welcome in his home. My mom and sister were crying, begging my dad to stop and let me stay. It was a nightmare. I got up and left. I went to my Abuelita’s place. She and my abuelo took care of me that night.”

 

* * *

 

_“Rafi! Oh my god! Sweetheart! Your left eye! It’s all black and blue! Who hurt you? Oh god it was your father again wasn’t it? Mijo, come in let us take care of you.” Catalina took her grandson by the hand and led him into the living room, “Fredo! Get the bag of frozen peas out of freezer! Rafi has a black eye! Come on have a seat on the couch here and tell me what happened.” She grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped her grandson up in it. She couldn’t tell if he was shaking because he was cold, scared, or both._

_“Abuelita…Dad got angry again and he hit me…I made him mad.”_

_“Cat, mi amor, here are the peas you asked for. Oh god! Raf, your father is a real piece of…” Catalina cut off her husband before he could finish his sentence. She knew her husband was mad at Rafael’s father but right now they needed to find out what happened._

_“Fredo! Hush! Now, Mijo you want to tell us exactly what happened? Are your mom and sister alright?”_

_“They’re okay. Dad only went after me tonight. I’m not sure I can tell you. I don’t want you guys to hate me too…” Rafael sniffled as he looked down at his lap._

_Rafael’s grandfather sat down next to him and began rubbing his back, “Rafael, the only way I would ever be mad at you is if you suddenly became a Red Sox fan or if you ever hurt a woman or a child. Now I know you and I know you wouldn’t do any of those things. So whatever it is, just know that we love you, okay?”_

_“I just...I don’t know…I mean you guys promise?”_

_“We promise.” Catalina assured him._

_Rafael took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, “Well my dad overheard my sister and I talking and I told her that I kept having these thoughts where I am pretty sure I like both girls and boys…I can’t help it. I tried to make them stop but…” Rafael’s heart was racing. He was terrified that the two people he loved more than anyone in the world were going to reject him just like his own father did a short time ago._

_Fredo sat quietly for a moment as he processed what Rafael just told him, “So he hit you? And then he kicked you out?”_

_“S_ _í Abuelito.”_

_“Goddamnit! That bastard! How could he do this to his own child? I swear to God, one of these days I am going to break his face! I wish Lucia would leave him for good!” Fredo was raging. He had always hated Rafael’s father but this was his breaking point._

_Catalina pulled Rafael into a tight hug, “Rafi my sweet boy, listen to me, your abuelo and I will always love you. No matter what. All we want is for you to be happy, healthy, and safe. We will do whatever it takes. It doesn’t matter who you end up falling in love with, you hear me. Life is too hard, we support you. You hear me?”_

 

“ _S_ _í.”_

_“Rafi, we love you. You are so brave and so strong. We are so proud to have you as our grandson,” Fredo smiled._

 

* * *

 

 

“My grandparents took care of me after that night and they kept me safe from my dad. My mom…she finally reached her breaking point with him and left him soon after it all happened,” Rafael said as he closed his eyes. To this day, he could remember every detail about that night, even though he had spent years trying to forget.

 

“Your grandmother is such an amazing wonderful woman,” Olivia smiled, “I would have loved to have met your grandfather.”

 

“He was a good man. You would have loved him. He would have just adored you and Noah so much,” Rafael whispered sadly.

 

Olivia leaned in and kissed Rafael gently on his cheek, “I’m glad you had your grandparents looking out for you and I love you.”

 

“I love you too, Liv.”

 

“If you don’t mind me asking, but how did your grandparents react when you brought home a guy?” Olivia asked.

 

Rafael smiled and chuckled slightly, “Remember when I was telling you about my old friend Michael from law school the other day when he got appointed to that judgeship in Boston?”

 

“No way! You and Michael? Why didn’t you tell me you guys dated? For how long?” To say Olivia was a bit shocked was an understatement.

 

“I don’t know why I didn’t tell you before. I never meant to keep it from you; it just never seemed like the right time. And besides, when he came to visit two months ago, it wouldn’t have been appropriate for me to say, ‘Oh hey Liv, meet my ex-boyfriend, Michael. And Michael, here is my current girlfriend, Olivia.’ It would have been uncomfortable and in case you wanted to know, we were together for almost our entire time in law school.”

 

Olivia nodded, “I actually understand. So tell me more about him. Did your abuelita make a big fuss over him?”

 

Rafael was relieved that Olivia didn’t harbor any resentment over his once kept secret, “Well he happened to be the first serious relationship I had with a man. We met our first year in law school. He was like me, grew up in a poor neighborhood in Philadelphia. He was raised by his grandmother because his mom drank and his dad cut out on them when he was just a little kid. We bonded over our messed up childhoods,” Rafael chuckled, “When he and I met, we just clicked. It felt right. I remember he and I would stay up all night debating law and talking about philosophy. I think I fell for his mind at first. He really wasn’t like anyone I had met before. It started as a crush but then it clearly turned into something more.”

 

* * *

 

 

_"Hey Raf, man, let’s get out of here. This party is a bit boring,” Michael shook his head at the sight of their fellow law students drinking cheap beer and mindless conversation._

_Rafael laughed at his friend’s sudden disgust for the status quo, “But this is what all the parties are like around here. You have a bunch of overachieving law geeks hanging out in one place.”_

_“Come on let’s go.”_  
  
Rafael nodded in agreement. As the two young men left the party, they found themselves by the fountain alone in the park across from the law school. “Hey Rafael, I have something to tell you…I’m actually really nervous about telling you this,” Michael’s voice shook.

_“Hey whatever it is, you’re my friend. I’m here for you,” Rafael gave Michael a reassuring smile._

_Michael sat down on the edge of the fountain and motioned for Rafael to join him. As Rafael did, Michael turned to face his friend, “This is so hard for me but I need to tell you this. It has been driving me crazy since we met and it’s just gotten more and more.”_

_Inside Rafael’s stomach was in knots. Part of him was hoping Michael was going to tell him that he had feelings for him and he wanted to be with Rafael. But another part of Rafael was still terrified of being attracted to men. His father’s beating all those years ago never was too far from his mind._

_Michael reached out and took Rafael’s hand in his, “Look Raf, you have been such a great friend to me since we started school here. You’re the only one who understands me. We’re not like those other ones. And I hope what I am about to say doesn’t change that.”_

_“We’re in this together remember?” Rafael smiled._

_“We are. But there is more…look I never told you this but I’m gay. And I know that doesn’t matter to you. You have been one of the most open minded and accepting people here. But there’s more…I think you are not only handsome and incredibly smart, but just truly amazing people. And I am falling for you Rafael Barba.”_  
  


_Rafael was stunned by Michael’s sudden confession. It was a rare moment when the smart mouthed kid from the South Bronx was rendered speechless._

_“Rafael…please say something. Are you mad at me? Do you want me to leave you alone? I don’t want to lose your friendship. Say something.”_

_Rafael couldn’t believe what he just heard. Michael was falling in love with him. It was real. It wasn’t a cruel dream. Rafael let go of Michael’s hand. He hesitated before gently cupping Michael’s face and placing a soft but firm kiss on his friend’s lips._

 

* * *

 

“He came to New York during summer break between our first and second years of law school. I remember when he came to my grandparents’ apartment for the first time, I was so nervous. My abuelo kept telling me that it was okay and he was sure Michael was a fine young man. Abuelita was just beyond excited. She wanted to meet the gentleman, as she put it, who made her Rafi so happy,” Rafael recounted.

 

“Aw! They just wanted you to be happy and loved,” Olivia loved hearing Rafael talk about his grandparents. It made her happy to hear in his voice and see in his eyes the true genuine love and affection he had for the two people who brought him stability.

 

“When he came over, I swear my grandparents instantly fell in love with him. My abuelita kept feeding him and he and my abuelo talked about baseball. At one point I wondered if they loved him more than me,” Rafael laughed, “But it felt so great that they accepted him and our relationship.”

 

“That is great, Rafael. But what happened between you and Michael? Why did you guys end it if you two were so happy together…I mean…it’s not like I am upset that you guys broke up because here we are and all…” Olivia blushed. She dug herself into a hole that she wasn’t sure she could get out of.

 

Rafael gave Olivia a comforting smile, “It’s okay, Liv. I know what you are getting at. It was our careers. They took us in two different paths at the time.”

 

* * *

  
  
_Michael held Rafael’s hand as they walked through the same park where they shared their first kiss three years ago. Graduation was a few weeks away but things were beginning to fall into place for each soon to be lawyer._

_“Michael, I have some good news for you,” Rafael smiled._

_“Oh? Are we finally getting that yacht we’ve been talking about?” Michael laughed._

_“Not yet! But I heard back from the Brooklyn District Attorney’s office. They have a job opening and they want me to interview there. Rita recently got a job there and she said it would be perfect for me. The interview is a week before graduation,” Rafael beamed with pride._  
  
“Brooklyn, huh? So that means if you get it, you’ll be moving back to New York then.”

_“That’s the plan! And I want you to come with me. We can get a place together and start our post-law school life together. I am sure you will be able to get in with one of the law firms in New York. You are one of the smartest and most talented students in our class,” Rafael smiled as he squeezed his partner’s hand._

_Michael frowned, “Raf…I don’t know…New York is great and all. And I want to be with you and build our life together but Boston’s my home now. I want to stay here in work. I love you with all my heart. I really do but I have a chance to make something out of myself here. I owe it to my grandma and my sisters. I need to get them out of West Philly and staying here and taking a job with one of the law firms is the best way to do it.”_

* * *

 

 

“And we broke up soon after that. It hurt a lot. I thought at one point Michael and I were going to be together for a long time. But it wasn’t meant to be. I think though it has worked out for the best,” Rafael rested his head against Olivia’s.

 

“I think so for sure. Breakups are always hard, especially when you love a person. It takes time to heal. It took me a long time to get over Alex. She and I started out as something fun but then it got intense. We both fell hard for each other.”

 

* * *

 

 

_Olivia rolled over and saw Alex sound asleep next to her. Alex’s slender bare shoulders were exposed. Olivia smiled as she inched towards the beautiful blonde. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist and placed gentle kisses on Alex’s shoulders._

_The soft touches awoke Alex._

_“Good morning, Detective.” Alex yawned as she turned herself to face Olivia. She couldn’t help but smile at Olivia’s messy hair. It was a combination of bed head and messy post-sex hair. It was definitely something Alex could get used to seeing every morning._

_“Good morning, Counselor,” Olivia smiled as she leaned to kiss Alex softly on the lips._

_“Mmm,” Alex quickly deepened the kiss; parting Olivia’s lips with her tongue and cupping one of Olivia’s breasts in her hand. Her thumb began rubbing small circles around Olivia’s nipple._

_Olivia moaned as she moved one of her hands down Alex’s side. She wanted to touch Alex like she did last night. She wanted to feel Alex’s heat, her wetness against her fingers. She didn’t want this to end. She didn’t want to wake up and it all be a dream._

_Before Olivia could continue, Alex pulled back and smiled at the sight of Olivia’s naked body before her. Alex licked her lips and her voice was thick with desire, “God Olivia, you are so beautiful.”_

_Olivia blushed at Alex’s compliment, “Please tell me this isn’t a dream and you are really laying next to me in my bed right now?”_

_“This is definitely not a dream. This is very real,” Alex’s lighthearted and sweet tone took a more serious turn, “Liv…about last night...”_

_“Alex, I know we probably shouldn’t have slept together with our jobs and all but I don’t regret it. I really like you. But if you don’t feel the same way, I understand. Just please don’t tell me you regret it…”Olivia suddenly felt very vulnerable and scared._

_Alex cut her off, “No! I don’t at all! I really like you too…I was going to ask you if maybe we could try this again some time.”_

* * *

 

 

“Alex and I shouldn’t have turned into a 2 and half year relationship but we did. It all started when I had developed a serious crush on her when we started working together. Then one night after a case, we hooked up. The rest was history,” Olivia shrugged.

 

“I think you have a thing for lawyers. Also I didn’t know Alex Cabot was into women,” Rafael said incredulously.

 

“Yeah, I’m lawyersexual, Rafael. You figured me out,” Olivia laughed, “But seriously though, see, Alex is very much into women but was and still is very much in the closet. That’s pretty much why our relationship fell apart.”

 

* * *

 

 

_“Olivia, please. We can’t,” Alex’s voice was low._

_“Why not? Why can’t we just take a few days together away from the city and away from our jobs? We can just be you and me. We can be together. Maybe we can go some place warm and sunny?” Olivia cocked her head as she looked at her partner._

_“No. We…I can’t.”_

_“Why can’t you? Are you worried someone will find out about us? If we are both somewhere else, I don’t think the NYPD or the DA’s office will find out.”_

_“It’s not that. It’s not our jobs…it’s us. You and me…together…” Alex looked away from Olivia._

_“What are you trying to say? That you are you embarrassed to be with me? Do I only matter when we fuck?”_

_“No! God no. You are perfect. You are the best thing to happen to me,” Alex’s voice began to crack. She had rehearsed this in her head a number of times but this was a lot harder than she ever could have possibly imagined. She was about to let go one the one person who truly loved her for who she was, not someone she was pretending to be._

_“Alex, what’s going on? I love you, please talk to me,” Olivia begged._

_“You can’t love me. This…what we have…we just can’t…” Alex tried to hold back her tears, “Olivia, I can’t do this anymore. Us, together. I know you love me and our time together has been incredible. But if anyone found out that I am a les…am interested in women, it would ruin me. My career goals, gone. I have political goals in mind. I can’t move forward with that if we are together,” Alex deflected. She hoped Olivia believed this and would understand._

_“Wait, what? I don’t get where this is coming from? Everything was fine earlier tonight. You are going to throw away what we have over your career? How could you tell me I was your everything and then turn around and throw it all away like this? Alex, come on.” Olivia was confused and hurt._

_Alex ran her fingers through her hair and sighed, “I do love you. God do I love you. But there are rumors at work and pressures outside of the job. Why does this have to be so hard? This wasn’t supposed to last. We were only supposed to be a drunken hookup, friends with benefits sort of thing. But then I fell for you, Olivia. It scares me. My parents don’t know about me, let alone about us. They will never accept it.”_

_“Pressures? What pressures? Your parents? But, I love you. Let’s try to make this work. I am sure we can find a way. Maybe if they met me and they saw how happy you are? Don’t give up on us, please,” Olivia’s voice cracked._

_Alex’s heart shattered hearing Olivia’s voice crack; It was almost too much to bear seeing Olivia plead to find a way to keep their relationship going but it had to be, “I can’t have my parents find out. They don’t understand or approve of people being gay; let alone understand your bisexuality. I don’t want to lose my mom and dad. They’re my family.”_  
  


_“Shouldn’t your happiness and well being come first over their outdated opinions?”_  
  


_“Olivia. Stop. I once tried to tell them back when I was in high school that I might be gay and my mother told me if she ever found out that she had a gay kid, she would kick them out of the house and never talk to them again. I know this is hard for you to grasp, but I love my mom and dad and their rejection would kill me. You don’t understand what this is like for me. If it means breaking up with you to save my relationship with my parents and my career, then it has to happen.”_

_Olivia lowered her head and whispered through her tears, “But I do understand…”_

* * *

 

“Alex left my apartment that night and I was just hearbroken. There were times after that night we tried to get back together. It always ended up in the same argument, Alex scared to come out of the closet. We said so many horrible things to each during each fight. We were both self-destructing. The last time we tried to get back together was during the Zapata case. When the case started to turn against us, Alex came to my apartment telling me she needed me and was ready to stop living her lie. I can still see her standing at my doorway in tears. I told her after the case was over, we had to talk. Some things she said hurt me deep and I couldn’t just accept her back. She told me she understood but at that moment she didn’t want to be alone,” Olivia paused as she squeezed Rafael’s hand.

 

Rafael held Olivia close as he waited for her to continue.

 

“I let her in and we ended up having sex. We were both just so desperate but it just felt different. Something about it felt final. Two days later she was shot and then ended up in witness protection. And that was it. We were over,” Olivia said sadly as she leaned into Rafael’s chest. “It was one of the worst breakups I ever had. It took me a long time to get over her. There was a point, I really didn’t think I could love anyone again…well that is until I met you.”

 

Rafael smiled, “We just sort of clicked that first day we met, huh? I don’t know if I ever told you this, but I had a crush on you when I went to that seminar you and David Haden organized. You won me over back then.”

 

“Really? Well why did you wait so long to ask me out?” Olivia teased.

 

“Well…I wanted to find the perfect moment. And I was also worried about how you would react to certain things about me,” Rafael confessed.

 

* * *

 

 

_“Wow! Counselor, you do know how to impress a lady on a date! This is an incredible view of the city! And who knew you could cook too! That meal was incredible,” Olivia smiled as she glanced over at Rafael._

_“I figured since we are always out and about, a candle light dinner at my place would be a nice change of pace,” Rafael said as he slid his arm around Olivia’s waist._

_As Olivia leaned into Rafael’s body, she let out a content sigh, “I really like being with you, Rafael. You are the first person I have dated or been with in a very long time where I feel like I can truly be myself. I can just be Olivia, not the SVU cop, not the survivor. It is nice just being me for a change. I really appreciate that about you and about us.”_

_“I do too,” Rafael rested his head on top of Olivia’s, “There has always been something about you and me and how we just understand each other. It always seemed like that right from the beginning. We’ve always been open and honest about things…even when it’s hard and uncomfortable.”_

_Olivia whispered, “You’re not like the others.”_

_“Neither are you. Look, Liv…I need to tell you something…something about me. I just hope what I tell you doesn’t scare you away or that you hate me and break up with me. I can’t bare the thought of losing you after all we’ve been through…” Rafael pulled away._

_Olivia was a bit confused. She thought they were in a good place and now something was wrong. Could she have misjudged the situation like she did with Alex all those years ago? “Scare me away? Hate you? Unless you are a wanted criminal or you have decided to work with Buchanan, how can I hate you or want to break up with you? Rafael, I want to be with you.”_

_Rafael took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. Coming out to people was never easy but something about coming out to your romantic partner and telling them you are bisexual always seemed terrifying. Rafael took Olivia by the hand and led her to the couch. Perhaps telling her while sitting down would make it easier for her. As they sat down, he never let go of her hand, “Well I can tell you that I am not joining forces with Buchanan and I am not a criminal. But I am bisexual,” Rafael’s heart was racing. This was the moment of truth for their relationship. He was so sure Olivia would break up with him. Why would she want to be with a man who has slept with other men?_

_Olivia opened her mouth to speak but instead she let go of Rafael’s hand. She then cupped his face and kissed him softly on his lips. She then pulled back and smiled._

_Rafael was taken aback. That was not the reaction he had expected. “It doesn’t bother you that I have had relationships with women and men?” He asked._

_“Not in the slightest. As long as you are okay with me having been with both women and men,” Olivia retorted._

_“Wait! You’re bisexual too?” Rafael’s mind was racing; he was trying to search for any hints Olivia might have given him over the years._

_“I am,” Olivia nodded, as she stood up and took Rafael’s hand. She started leading him down the hallway towards his bedroom. Before entering, she stopped and turned to him, “Maybe this is why we always understood each other. We share something unique, Rafael, and I can promise you that it will never push me away from you,” Olivia said before kissing him deeply._

* * *

 

“God we have been through some things, haven’t we?” Rafael chuckled, “But I think things are working out okay, no?”

 

“Just a bit. But I think that’s one of the many reasons, we’re together. Like I said to you before, we get it. We understand each other in ways no one else can. And after everything you’ve been through, I know on Monday, you will fight like hell for Megan. Just remember, I love you and that little baby bear of ours loves you too,” Olivia reached out and pulled Rafael into a hug.

 

Rafael rested his head on Olivia’s shoulders. Olivia was right. He never had a partner who he was more connected with than her. He had never been with someone who understood the struggles of being bisexual. But, here they were. Together. They were a family, raising a little boy together. Noah, their son, who will grow up surrounded by all the love and support that Rafael and Olivia could give. They could take solace in knowing that Noah will never have to see or endure the abuse and violence they did as kids. And come Monday, Rafael will use his strength and legal wit to see that justice is served.

 

Rafael lifted up his head and looked into Olivia’s eyes, “I love you too, Liv. Thank you for letting me be a part of your family.”

 

“No, Rafael. _Our_ family.”


	2. Angel on Fire

Olivia stood in front of the full-length mirror that sat in the corner of the bedroom she shared with her boyfriend of two years, Rafael Barba. The mirror used to belong to her mother. It was one of the few things, she kept after Serena passed away. Olivia remembered as a small child watching as her mother made sure her hair and clothes were in perfect place before leaving to teach her 19th century English literature class. Her mother tried her best to be a proper lady, hiding her demons, hiding her scars away from the world. If the world only knew…

 

Olivia looked at herself in her bra and panties. She stared at her reflection, looking hard to see to see any resemblance of her mother. She hated that she can see her father looking back at her. Even after all these years, Olivia still desperately wanted to see some hint of Serena looking back at her. Her father’s face still haunted her. Olivia sighed. She knew this feeling would never go away, just like her own scars that were scattered in various places on her body. Each scar told a story, held a memory, and helped shape Olivia into the woman she had become. Some of these memories though, Olivia longed to forget.

 

Olivia lifted her hand to her left shoulder blade and she traced what clearly was a surgical scar. The doctors worked to repair her damaged shoulder after her four-day ordeal with William Lewis. Between the beating she endured and freeing herself from the metal bedframe, her shoulder needed to be put back together with a pin and a number of screws. Olivia remembered when the nurse tried to give her the standard pain killers post-surgery, she refused. She didn’t want to put any more drugs in her system. Not after Lewis. She wasn’t going to be like her mother, Olivia remembered thinking. Olivia scoffed at the memory. Taking medicine back then to ease the pain from surgery was not going to turn her into Serena. Olivia will never be her mother, at least Olivia tried to convince herself. She pressed on the scar slightly and another memory came back to her from the hospital. It was the night Rafael came to visit her.

 

* * *

 

_Olivia slowly opened her eyes as she felt someone’s presence in the room. She thought it must have been her nurse making her evening rounds but when she looked up and saw him, she was a bit shocked. Rafael looked like a man who hadn’t slept or shaved in weeks. He was a shell of his normal self._

_“Rafael?” Olivia could sense how nervous he was as he approached her bedside. He was carrying something._

_“Hi Liv,” Rafael whispered, “I brought you something…it’s not flowers. It’s…well here.” He handed her a small stuffed penguin._

_Olivia smiled for the first time in what felt like forever. She clutched it with her free hand, “Thank you. Did Cragen tell you or did…”_

_Rafael could barely look her in the eye so he lowered his head as he cut her off, “Um…it was Cragen. He called as soon as he…as soon as they brought you back to the city…” He mumbled._

_“Okay. I asked them to tell you. I knew you had to be worried.”_

_Rafael ran his hand through his hair and exhaled slowly. He needed her to know. He needed her to know that he felt responsible, “I was terrified…hey Liv…I want to tell you that this is all my fault and I’m so…”_

_“Rafael! No!” Olivia interrupted, “This is not your fault. He did this to me. Not you. I don’t blame you.”_

_He nodded. He wanted to tell her so many things. He wanted to tell her how when he found out Lewis had taken her; he had a breakdown in his office. How he couldn’t bare the thought of that monster hurting her and how he should have fought harder in court to put Lewis away. How he spent every hour he could in the squad room, hoping for updates or any sign that she was okay and when he wasn’t there with the squad, he went to church and prayed. He prayed for her safety and salvation and for his forgiveness. Instead he choked on his words and offered her a weak smile. “I’ll let you rest and I should go. I’m sure Cassidy will be here soon…”_

_Olivia also found herself struggling to speak. She watched him make his way out the door while she wanted to tell him to stay. She wanted to tell him she needed him by her side. He was her rook to her queen and she loved him. But off he went. She held on to the penguin tight and as she let out a muffled cry._

 

Olivia looked over at her dresser and smiled at the stuffed penguin. She would never admit it to anyone but on nights she slept alone after Lewis, she took comfort in hugging it while she slept. Maybe it’s because it smelt like Rafael’s cologne or maybe it was because he gave it to her and that alone made her feel safe. He always made her feel loved even during those moments and days she hated herself and wanted to crawl out of her own skin.  


* * *

  

_Olivia pushed Rafael into his bedroom, kissing him passionately. The intensity and the heat had been building between them for a long time. It was only their third date but for the two of them this moment was long overdue. As Rafael walked backwards, he quickly shrugged off his suit jacket and Olivia worked at removing his tie and sliding his suspenders off. They hurried in removing each other’s clothes in between passionate lust filled kisses._

_Olivia stood before him in just her silk light pink panties. Rafael was in awe of her soft skin and curves of her body. He stepped back slightly to take it all in. He couldn’t help but catch sight of her scars. The two small ones right on top of her breasts, a key shaped scar below her bellybutton and one on her inner thigh. It looked to be almost in the shape of her badge._ “ _Olivia,” Rafael softly said her name, almost like a hushed prayer._

 

_Olivia looked away as she brought her arm up to over her breasts. She was suddenly unable to look Rafael in the eye. As much as she wanted to be with Rafael tonight, her anxiety and self-loathing were trying to take over. She felt very self-conscience as she his gaze upon her, “I’m sorry.”_

_“For what?” Rafael reached for Olivia’s hand._

_“For the scars…for what he did to me…”_

 

_Rafael stepped forward and pulled Olivia into his arms, “These scars…I know you look at them and feel shame and embarrassment. But I look at them, I see that you survived and he didn’t break you. You not only survived, you are thriving.”_

_Olivia wrapped her arms around him and leaned against him. Her bare skin against his, her head resting on his shoulder. “You’re too good to me,” Olivia’s voice quivered._

_“It’s because I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time,” Rafael placed a tender kiss Olivia’s lips and held her tight, “Let me make love to you, Liv. Please.”_

 

* * *

   
Olivia still had to wonder to this day how she got so lucky to have Rafael as her partner in all aspects of her life. He was the only one through the aftermath of her assault who didn’t treat her with kid gloves. He always showed respect for her as a woman, a strong woman, and as a survivor. He was the only one who knew the whole story about her time with Lewis at the beach house and he went out of his way to protect her. Rafael Barba was a good man and she loved him.

 

Olivia smiled as she looked down at her legs. She shook her head when she saw slightly faded oddly shaped scar next to one of her kneecaps. It was the only scar Rafael ever asked her about and he almost didn’t believe the story until Olivia had Fin confirm it for him the next day.  


* * *

 

_“Munch, you’re a damn fool to bet against Liv. You know she can kick all of our asses and then some. Especially, your boney ass,” Fin cracked._

_“True. Olivia can kick my ass but Stabler has a good bit of weight advantage. Simple laws of physics, my friend,” Munch dryly responded._

_As soon as Munch stopped speaking, Liv had Elliot pinned down in an awkward and painful position. “So remind me, who is kicking whose ass?” Liv smugly proclaimed._

_“Hey man, you owe me twenty bucks,” Fin laughed as he elbowed Munch._

_Munch sighed as he reached into his pocket, “Fine, here. I’ll get that twenty back!”_

_As Munch and Fin continued their old married couple banter. Liv and Elliot continued to tussle._

_“El, give it up. I won fair and square.” Liv declared as she pinned him down with her leg._

_Elliot mumbled something underneath her and it resulted in Olivia letting out a yelp. “What the fuck? Did you just bite me?” Olivia jumped off and inspected her kneecap._

_“I didn’t mean to! I was just trying to get you off me so I could sit up. I’m sorry!”_

_Fin and Munch looked on as Liv read Elliot the riot act for biting her. “Think we should get the first aid kit?” Munch asked._

_“Let’s wait and see if she punches him first. Then we get the first aid kit…or we might have to call a bus.”  
_

 

* * *

 

Olivia chuckled as she remembered that day. Still after all this time, she misses Elliot but she knows he’s finally happy and at peace. Retirement from the NYPD had done him well but she was still a bit pissed about how he bit her knee. Even after all this time. She sighed. Some things she couldn’t change no matter how much she wished she could. But she was grateful for the times she could spend with him now. They were working on rebuilding their friendship and they were making an effort to be in each other’s lives. Olivia was grateful that Elliot accepted Rafael as her boyfriend. She wasn’t fooling herself; she knew if they all worked together, Rafael and Elliot would hate each other. This way was best for all involved. Olivia thought back to all of her past relationships, and Alex was the only one, Elliot didn’t have a problem with. Maybe it was because he was friends with her or maybe it was because he knew how much she loved Alex and Alex loved her.  


Alex. Even though she was madly in love with Rafael and she wouldn’t trade it for the world, a small part of her heart still belonged to Alex. She was Olivia’s first real love. Alex showed Olivia what love truly meant and that love wasn’t conditional. It wasn’t based on sobriety, broken promises, or a means to escape. Alex always tried to encourage Olivia to open up about her past even when Olivia wanted to forget it. Olivia held out her left arm and stared at it, there were things Olivia wondered if she would ever be ready to share.

 

* * *

  

_“Hey you,” Alex chuckled as she looked down at a sleepy Olivia._

_“I wasn’t asleep…I swear…I just was resting my head in your lap and resting my eyes. I was listening to the movie.”_

_“Babe, you were snoring,” Alex smiled as she began to stroke Olivia’s arm._

_“…I don’t snore…okay I do. And I’m sorry. I ruined date night,” Olivia frowned._

_“You didn’t. You just worked 3 days straight on what 3 hours of sleep? It’s okay. We’re here together. Plus you look so peaceful when you sleep,” Alex leaned down to kiss her girlfriend’s forehead._

_Olivia smiled and sighed at Alex’s gentle touch, “I love you.”_

_“I love you too,” Alex whispered as she ran her fingers down to a spot on Olivia’s wrist, “Hey Liv, I didn’t know you had these two scars on your wrist. What are these from?”_

_Olivia’s body stiffened and she pulled her arm away from Alex, “It’s nothing.”_

_“This doesn’t look like nothing to me.”_

_Olivia sat up and moved to the other side of the couch, “It IS nothing, okay?”_

_“They look like self-harm scars. Liv, sweetheart, what happened?” Alex reached out towards her._

_Olivia rejected her girlfriend’s hand and pulled away, “Alex, please stop. I don’t want to talk about it.”_

_Alex recognized the signs; Olivia was starting to withdraw into herself again. Whatever happened, Alex knew it had to have been bad. She got up off the couch and kneeled down in front of Olivia, and held her hands. She made sure to look Olivia in her eyes. No matter how much Alex wanted to know what happened so she could help and support Olivia, she could not force the matter. Olivia had to be ready to open up. “Okay, I understand you don’t want to talk about it. I’m not going to force you. But I know those scars were because you were hurting deep down inside. Liv, please understand that I love you and when you are ready to talk, I will be here.”_

_Olivia bit her lip as she looked down at Alex and nodded. She stood up and pulled Alex up with her. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist and rested her head on Alex’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry. It just hurts too much to talk about it.”_

_“It’s okay. I’ll be here when you’re ready. I promise,” Alex whispered, as she began to gently rub Olivia’s back.”_

_“I love you so much, Alex,” Olivia said, as she held on to Alex tighter, hoping to keep the tears away.  
_

 

* * *

   
Olivia looked at the two parallel scars on her wrist. She hated them more than any scar from Lewis. She hated those two scars because they serve as a reminder from one of the worst nights of her life. She never told Alex about what happened that led to those scars. She feared Alex would think less of her. She never talked about her mother with Alex, the emotional wounds were too deep and still very much open and bleeding when they dated. Olivia once told Casey a little bit about _that night_ but it wasn’t the whole story. No one knew.  


* * *

  _  
“Getting married? What the hell do you mean? Married? Says who?” Serena hissed._

_Olivia’s stomach lurched as smelt the vodka on her mother’s breathe. These nights were becoming a normal occurrence in the Benson household. “Yes, Mom. Sean asked me to marry him. He loves me and wants me to be happy. I know that’s hard for you to understand,” Olivia spat._

_“You are sixteen! I am not going to let you leave this house and marry some random guy named Sean! Who is he?” Serena slurred._

_“I am sixteen and I’m old enough to make my own choices. Sean isn’t some random guy! I have been seeing him for a couple months. Not like you care anyway.”_

_Serena took a drink from her glass; she could not believe her daughter’s defiance. “I am getting really tired of your mouth, young lady! All you do is fight with me. You know, you should be lucky I kept you. Everyone told me to get rid of you when I was pregnant. But I decided to keep you and raise you! But every time you defy me like this, I wish I got rid of you! You spiteful little bitch! Now I demand to know who is Sean.”_

_Olivia’s anger was rising. It felt like every time Serena and Olivia fought lately, Serena made sure to tell Olivia how unwanted she was and how she should have gotten rid of her daughter when she had the chance. Olivia was reaching a breaking point with her. “You want to know who Sean is? He is a college student and he likes having me around. That’s more than you!”_

_“Sean…wait a minute! I know who Sean is! He’s in my Advanced English Literature class. Olivia! He is 21! Have you been having sex with him?” Serena demanded as she stepped towards her daughter._

_Olivia looked away. Not again. Olivia didn’t want to talk about sex with her mother again. Not after what happened with Amy. Olivia felt so ashamed._

_“Oh my god! You are, aren’t you? He is 21! What is wrong with you? You keep making stupid decisions, over and over again. I am going to report him and have him kicked out of school! I will never let him or anyone else have you, Olivia! You understand me!”_

_“No! Mom! Don’t do that! Please! He loves me!” Olivia pleaded._

_“Or maybe I should tell him about your little problem? You know that one about being a goddamned queer. How about that? You think he would be happy to be marrying someone like you?” Serena’s eyes narrowed as she stared her daughter down._

_“Fuck you!” Olivia was shaking with anger. She was struggling to keep herself in check as she tried to fight off the tears._

_Serena closed the gap between them and slapped Olivia across the face. “Don’t you EVER say that to me again!”_

_Olivia rubbed her cheek as tears began to sting her eyes. And then it happened, Olivia struck back.  
_

 

* * *

   
Olivia stared at herself in her mother’s mirror again as she ran her fingers over those scars again.. She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. She wondered how her mother we ever able to survive that night and the events that followed. She looked down at her scars again as she held her wrist with her opposite hand. She remembered the blood, the pain, and her mother holding her close afterwards telling her she was so sorry and she truly did love her.

 

Even during everything she went through with Lewis, she never felt as low or hopeless or as scared as she did that night. She wondered what Rafael thought of them. He was different than Alex, she thought, he understood what she went through as a kid. He had to endure physical abuse from his asshole father, Rafael got her in ways Alex never could. But still those two small scars were reminders that Olivia was not always the protector she prided herself on being. She wondered what she would say to her younger self now. Stay strong? Happiness will find you? It will be okay? Did she lose the battle that night only to win the war later? She didn’t know even years later the answers to these questions. The pain and memories never faded. She closed her eyes once more as a single tear rolled down her cheek.

 

She didn’t notice that Rafael had snuck into the bedroom to check on her. It wasn’t until she opened her eyes again that she saw him standing behind her. He was wearing his favorite pair of jeans and a black polo shirt. It was Sunday after all. That meant they were supposed to go to his mother’s for Sunday dinner.

 

“Liv?” He called to her gently, “It’s almost time for us to go. Are you okay?”

 

Olivia thought about lying about how she felt but what would be the point. He always could tell. “Not really but I’ll be okay.”

 

Rafael walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, “What’s going on?”

 

She rested her hands on top of his and savored his warm embrace. Something about his hugs felt like medicine. Maybe it was his strong forearms or his natural smell that brought her comfort, but she always could feel her anxiety and sadness slip away. “I just got to thinking about these scars on my body and everything that’s happened. It gets overwhelming sometimes especially when I think about my…never mind…”

 

“When you think about your mom? I know. Liv, remember I sleep next to you ever night, I know how much she still gets to you. I know how much it all gets to you but it always comes back to her. The nightmares, they are always about her.”

 

Olivia stared at their reflection in the mirror. Rafael was right. Lewis, case related nightmares, they subsided long ago. But the dreams about her mother, they never stopped. Serena still, to this day, picked open the emotional wounds Olivia has carried since she was a child.

 

“Rafael…these scars…I wish they would go away sometimes,” Olivia sighed, “My mom, Lewis, even where Elliot bit me…Why am I stuck with these reminders? I wonder sometimes what if Noah sees some of these scars and he starts asking questions. How do I tell him when Mommy was a teenager she wanted to give up because his grandmother abused her? Or how do I tell him that I was sexually assaulted for four days by a monster?”

 

“Or that his Uncle Elliot is a cannibal?” Rafael smiled in the hopes of making Olivia laugh a little.

 

“Okay that scar at least has a funny story behind it,” Olivia conceded, “But I worry about when he starts asking questions. What do I do? Especially about these? How do I explain them?” Olivia wondered looking down at her wrist again.

 

Rafael kissed her shoulder, “Those scars, Liv. Those scars show how you fought back to survive, and how you stayed alive even when you wanted to give up. You’re a survivor, always have and always will be. When it comes time to talk to Noah about these scars, especially those two on your wrist, you don’t have to do it alone. I will be here by your side. It is important we are honest with him as best we can be and we can make sure we are always there for him in ways our parents weren’t for us. Noah is a sweet caring little boy and I know that’s because of you. When the time comes, I don’t expect Noah to turn on you. I expect him to be that same loving child. We’ll get through this together as a family.”

 

Olivia cracked a slight smile. Rafael was correct, she was a survivor, no matter how much the past haunted her or still hurts. She survived it. She didn’t have to go at things alone anymore. She had his support and they were in this together. “Noah and I are lucky to have you in our lives and we are all a family. You’re right; we will get through this somehow.”

 

Just as Rafael was about to say something to Olivia, a small voice called from the other side of the bedroom door. “Mommy! Where are you? We have to go to Abuelita’s house soon! Papi said she made cake!”

 

Olivia and Rafael both shook their heads and laughed.

 

“I’ll be right out, sweet boy! Get your shoes on!” Olivia yelled to her son.

 

“Okay, Mommy!” Noah yelled as he scurried away to find his sneakers.

 

“I’ll go help Noah find his shoes,” Rafael kissed Olivia, “I love you.” Rafael turned to walk towards the door.

 

Olivia smiled, “I love you too. And Rafael?”

 

“Yes?” Rafael turned around to face Olivia.

 

She put her hand on her heart, “My rook.”

 

“Always.”


	3. Stuck in a Moment

Rafael awoke covered in sweat and gasping for air. It was another night with another damn nightmare. Rafael tried to steady his breathing and slow his heart rate, he looked over at Olivia to make sure he didn’t wake her. She had been working long hours lately and she finally had some time off. She needed her sleep more than anything right now. He carefully climbed out of bed and made his way down the hall to the bedroom on the right.

His body ached and he felt anxious. He hated these nightmares. He hated reliving those moments. Since officially becoming Noah’s father, Rafael's own father came back to torment him in his dreams. Rafael ran his fingers through his hair as he sat down next to Noah’s bed. Rafael made sure Noah was okay before exhaling a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding since he woke up. He rubbed his eyes and thought about that nightmare he just had.

* * *

  

_“I can’t believe you did this to me! Goddamnit, Rafael! I raised you better! I raised you to be a man!” Miguel Barba yelled._

_“Did this to you? To you! Papi, I didn’t do this to spite you! This is who I am. I didn’t choose to be this way. I swear! “Rafael pleaded with his father._

_But Miguel didn’t want to hear his son’s pleas. He was angry. He closed the distance between him and his son, “This is who are and didn’t chose to be this way? Don’t give me this bullshit Rafael. You might be able to fool your sister but not me. I heard what you said and you are interested in men,” Miguel spit out in utter disgust._

_“And girls, Papi! I like girls too! I’m going to ask Lauren to the dance!”_

_“I heard what you said but I’m tired of the lies, Rafael. You never liked girls! You’re a fucking maricon! My own son…Lucia! What did you do to him to make him a fucking queer!”_

_Before Lucia could reply, Rafael jumped in, “Leave Mami alone! And don’t call me a maricon! I’m a man just like you!”_

_Miguel became enraged and grabbed Rafael by the front of his shirt causing Lucia and Rafael’s sister Ana to scream and beg for Miguel to stop._

_  
“Let go of him, Manny!” Lucia cried._

_He let go of Rafael’s shirt, “You will never be a man, you hear me! As you are a fucking faggot who takes it up the ass, you will never be a man! Do you understand, this, Rafael?_

_Rafael pushed his father away from him, “Fuck you! At least I don’t have to hit people to get my way! I would rather be a faggot than you!”_

_Before Rafael could finish what he was saying, his father’s fist connected with his cheek._

* * *

 Rafael sighed sadly as he reached up to touch the spot where his dad hit him many years ago. He hated that man with every fiber of his being. He hated him for beating his mother, for terrorizing his sister, and for all the things he did to him. The physical abuse was one thing but the mental abuse…those wounds…they have just barely begun to heal. Every day, Rafael wondered if he was doing the right thing or if something should happen and…

 

No. Not tonight. He would not allow himself to be overtaken with those thoughts. He shifted slightly in the rocking chair as quietly as possible so he would not wake Noah who was sleeping peacefully in his bed. Noah looked content as he had his faithful companion Eddie the Elephant under his left arm and his new friend Pikachu that Rafael brought home for him under his right.

 

Who knew this one little boy could have such a profound impact on not only Olivia but him. Children used to scare him but not for the reasons people always thought. People assumed since he wore expensive suits, he didn’t want sticky and germ ridden kids around him. Don’t want to ruin that Armani suit, they would tease him. He played along with it because he didn’t want people to know the real reasons. The truth was he was terrified of hurting them. Rafael always wanted to have children and be a father but he was scared that something might trigger him into hurting them the way his father hurt him and his sister. Rafael always feared he inherited his father’s temper and the way his father and to some extent his own mother shamed him for being bisexual, Rafael didn’t want his children to be tormented because of who he was. He saw too much of that already.

* * *

“ _So tell me about this woman you’ve been seeing for months now, Rafael? She must be rather special since you have canceled our Sunday dinners for three weeks now,” Lucia snarked as she took a sip of her wine._

_“I know Mami, I’m the worst son ever…” Rafael rolled his eyes. He wasn’t in the mood for his mother’s snarkiness today._

_“So who is she? Does she want to have kids? Are you going to marry her? Where does she work? When can I meet her?”_

_“Slow down! Christ! Were you this bad with Ana and Derrick? Jesus! Let me talk!” Rafael laughed to hide his annoyance, “Her name is Olivia and you already met her. Remember that day at the courthouse?”_

_“The courthouse…oh my god! Sergeant Benson! Oh Rafi! Finally! She is beautiful and from what all you have told me about her…you two are so perfect for each other!” Lucia was overjoyed for her son, “And to answer your question, yes I was this bad with your sister. Perhaps worse because of the wedding…I thought she was going to kill me! You know, I think I was the reason they moved down to Miami…anyway tell me more about you two,” Lucia grinned._

_Rafael nodded and smiled softly, “Well Olivia and I have been seeing each other since October. And I took her to meet Abuelita before she..um…”Rafael choked up. It had been three months since his grandmother passed away and he still couldn’t bring himself to say the words._

_Lucia reached out and held her son’s hand, “Mijo, it’s okay. I know you miss her and I miss her too. Every day. But I’m glad Olivia got to meet her. Your abuelita loved you so very much. You were always her pride and joy. And I’m sure she loved Olivia too. Anyone who made her Rafaelito happy.”_

_“S_ _í. She approved of Olivia and she told Liv that I would be a good father for her son, Noah one day,” Rafael gave Lucia a weak smile._

_“She has a son too? My God! Rafael Barba, why did you keep this from me? I have a grandbaby!” Lucia’s annoyance turned to joy at the thought of having a grandchild to spoil._

_“Oh by the way, Mom, Liv has a son,” Rafael smirked causing Lucia to shake her head, “His name is Noah. Liv adopted him, well, more like she is in the process of adopting him and he’s about two years old. He’s a very sweet boy.”_

_“That’s wonderful! How do you two get along? Does Noah like you? Does he call you Papi, yet?”_

_“We get along…he does seem to love me. He calls me Rah right now. But I don’t know…I know what Abuelita said and I think Liv feels the same way…but I don’t know if I’m cut out to be a father,” Rafael looked down, averting Lucia’s gaze._

_“Why do you say that? You’re such a good kind hearted soul, Rafi. You are so loving and gentle when you aren’t in your lawyer mode. You will be a great father! I know you can do it. Ask yourself, do you love that little boy? If you do, then you can be a father, a good father,” Lucia tried to reassure her son._

_“But what if I turn out to be like Papi? I’m so scared that I’m going to become just like him. I don’t want to hurt Olivia or Noah. I would rather die before I ever hurt them. But Papi, he’s a part of me,” Rafael’s voice was soft but shame and fear were ever present._

_Lucia listened to her son and she was a bit taken back. It was the first time Rafael had mentioned his father to her since he died. The last time Rafael said anything about him was when Lucia pleaded with him to make amends with Miguel before he died. Rafael refused and said he hoped he burned in hell. “You are not like him, you hear me. You have grown up and have become more of a man than your father ever could be. You are not an abuser! You put those people away every day. Even when you had the choice to leave and make more money working with your friend Rita, you chose to stay in the DA’s office. You told me it was the right thing to do. How could you even begin to think you were like your father? Even after all those times you tried to stop him from hurting me? What’s going on here, Mijo?”_

_Rafael sighed, “Look, his father used to knock him around, and well Papi got physical with us. He used to tell me that no matter how many books I read or what fancy school I went to, I would end up just like him. I could never escape it because I was his blood. I know I’ve tried hard to not hurt others but what if something pushes me and I just snap and become just like him.?”_

_Lucia’s heart broke, even though her husband had been dead fifteen years, he was still tormenting her son, “Screw your father! He was wrong! I won’t lie, children will push your buttons and try your patience, and relationships have their ups and downs but that doesn’t make you an abuser. Remember what your abuelito taught you?”_

_“S_ _í”_

_“He always believed in you and he always saw the goodness in your heart. If he saw something that worried him, you know he would have said something. He tried so hard to teach you about being a good man.”_

_“You’re right. Abuelito always looked out for me and was honest with me…taught me a lot.”_

_“And if he was still here, he would tell you how great of a father you would be and not to be scared. He would tell you all you have to do is love Noah and love Olivia. You will find your way, Mijo.”_

_Rafael reached for his mother’s hand and squeezed it. Maybe, he thought, he could do this father thing after all._

* * *

 “I love you, Noah, more than you will ever know,” Rafael whispered. He got up from the rocking chair to give Noah a kiss goodnight before heading to the kitchen. It was going to be a sleepless night; he could feel it. Life in the Barba-Benson household has been a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions the past few months, and it all came to a head with Sheila Porter kidnapping Noah and attempting to destroy their lives and then there was baby Drew. Drew could have been Noah and Rafael couldn’t bare to see this little child suffering. It took all he had to remind himself that Noah was safe, Liv was safe, and both were sound asleep in their beds. Despite this, Rafael found himself on edge. It was very overwhelming when the job hit too close to home. He nearly lost everything. Instead, the DA’s office was now a distant memory but he still had his family. Soon he will begin his career as a law professor at NYU. He would never be a judge but he knew his abuelita would be proud of the title Professor Barba.

 

Rafael sighed and poured himself a class of his favorite scotch and made his way to the couch. He hoped the scotch could ease his nerves just enough so he could salvage a few hours of sleep. As he took a sip, he found himself studying the family photographs Liv had displayed near the television; photos of Sonny, Amanda, Jesse, and Frannie playing at the park, Nick, Maria, Zara, and Gil at Disney Land, Munch, Cragen, and Fin with Fin’s grandson, and even a photo of Elliot and his daughter Maureen with her baby girl. Rafael spotted one of the newer additions to the photo collection. It was one of George Huang and his partner, Ryan with their new born daughter Elaine, or as Noah calls her Lanie. When Noah first saw the photography, he was excited that Lanie had two daddies. For him, homosexuality, bisexuality, all of it didn’t mean anything to him, family was family; though his abuelita had other thoughts. 

* * *

  _“So your friend, George, is it? He had a baby with his husband, Olivia?” Lucia asked as she examined the photograph._

_“They did! They have been wanting kids for a while and found a surrogate. They made Rafael and I her Godparents,” Liv beamed with pride._

_“That’s sweet…but aren’t they worried about her being teased because her dads are gay?” Lucia asked as she took a sip of her coffee._

_“I don’t think it will be an issue, Lucia. Times are changing and people seem more open and accepting now. Noah saw the photo and was excited. He loved how Lanie has two daddies because he thinks daddies are awesome,” Liv chuckled as she smiled at Rafael._

_Lucia shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know Olivia. It’s easy to say that in your home but out there…”_

_Rafael picked up on what Lucia was hinting at immediately. He wanted to stop the conversation before feelings got hurt. “I’m sure George and Ryan thought this through and have a plan.”_

_“Well do you and Olivia have a plan to talk to Noah about…you know…” Lucia’s voice dropped to a whisper, “how you dated men.”_

_“Mami, stop! Don’t worry about it. When the time comes, we’ll handle it,” Rafael snapped._

_“Oh my God. Did you tell Olivia? Rafael, you have to tell her about it. She needs to know!” Lucia snapped back._

_“It’s none of your business if I told her or not,” Rafael felt his anger rising. Discussions regarding his sexuality were off limits with his mother, especially in recent years._

_“Tell me what?” Liv asked, “That Rafael is bisexual? I knew that. We talked about that early on in our relationship. It doesn’t bother me one bit.”_

_“Well good. I’m glad Rafi told you. It’s not healthy to keep secrets from each other like that. And I’m glad he’s decided to pick a side and found a woman to settle down with,” Lucia nodded as she took another sip of her coffee._

_Rafael was growing increasingly frustrated with his mother, “I didn’t pick a side, Mom. That’s not how this works. Being with Olivia doesn’t change me. She understands it and accepts me. We go through this, every damn time you bring it up. I’m tired of talking about it. So yes, I dated men but I have also dated women. I am currently dating Olivia and I love her. End of story._

_Olivia sat next to Rafael on the couch and put her hand on his knee, “Rafa, it’s know. I know this is a sensitive subject but we’re okay,” Liv did her best to reassure him and calm him before turning to Lucia, “I do understand where Rafael is coming from and like I said, I’m fine with it. In fact, Lucia, I am bisexual too. I’ve dated women and men before. But what’s important in the here and now is that Rafael is with me and we show each other love, respect, and faithfulness. Just like any other relationship. He loves Noah as his own and Noah loves him. We’re all happy. I know you’re worried about how people will see us as a family. We can’t stop what others will think but we can teach Noah that love comes many forms and it’s okay to have feelings for a girl or another boy. Noah will understand that kindness and respect are what matters the most.”_

_Rafael’s heart was bursting with pride and love. Olivia’s response to his mother was beautiful and it managed to finally get Lucia to understand. He couldn’t have loved her more in that moment. He wanted to drop everything and ask Olivia to marry him then and there, but it would go against the plan he and Noah came up with._

* * *

Rafael leaned back against the couch. He wanted to throw his glass in frustration. How could everything that was going so right go so horribly wrong? Maybe things never were right to begin with? Perhaps his father was right and he was a fuck up in every sense of the word? He killed a baby. His bisexuality could come back to hurt Noah and Liv. He could feel his chest tighten and his heart begin to race. His hands were trembling. It had been years since he felt this way. The last time this happened, his father was still alive. That damn nightmare had caused this. His father taunting him in his dreams from beyond the grave. Rafael closed his eyes and tried to re-center himself by deep slow breathing.

 

It wasn’t long before he felt someone sit beside him and lean against him. When he opened his eyes, he noticed Olivia was by his side. “Liv?”

 

“Hey,” She whispered, “I noticed your side of the bed was empty. I got worried. Are you okay?”

 

Rafael hesitated. Part of him didn’t want to talk about what happened but he and Liv promised each other they would talk to each other if one of them was upset. Rafael rubbed his eyes and sighed, “Not really…I had a nightmare.”

 

“About Drew?” Olivia asked softly as she wrapped her arms around him.

 

“No…about my father…” Rafael curled his left hand into a fist, “I dreamt about a fight we had when I was a teenager and he hit me. Liv…it felt like I was right back there in that apartment in the Bronx…”

 

Olivia reached out for Rafael’s clenched hand and weaved her fingers between his, “You’re okay, Rafa. You’re here with me and Noah,” Olivia leaned in and kissed his cheek, “I love you.”

 

“I love you too,” Rafael smiled slightly. But his smile quickly faded, “What if he was right about me?”

“No! He was wrong.”

 

“But look what I did…and what if I do something to hurt Noah?”

 

“You did what you thought was the right thing. A baby was suffering, his parents were suffering, you did what you thought was right. And Noah…you’re the only father he has ever known. He loves you so much. And I know how much you love him. I can see it in your eyes when you’re with him. You are not an abuser. That’s not who you are,” Olivia squeezed his hand.

 

“I love him so much, Liv. I never want to cause him any sort of pain. I can’t help but worry sometimes that he will get taunted for having two queer parents…especially a queer father.”

 

Liv shifted on the couch so she could look directly at Rafael, “What would you tell Noah if some kid was making fun of him for having a Cuban father or for being adopted?”

 

“I would tell Noah to tell that kid to fuck off,” Rafael replied.

 

“So how is being bisexual any different that that? Look, I know you worry and I worry too. But we are in this together and we will do our best for our family.”

 

“You’re right,” Rafael nodded, “After everything with my father and even my mom’s quips here and there, it gets to me sometimes.”

 

Olivia reached for Rafael’s hand as she pulled him off the couch, “I understand. But worrying about it here at 3:24am on the couch, isn’t going to change the fact that, we have a little boy who will be up in a few hours with the hopes and expectations that his daddy is going to take him to the zoo.”

 

Rafael chuckled, “Is this what parenting is all about? I can’t sit on our couch at all hours of the night and feel sorry for myself?”

 

“Oh you can but trips to the zoo don’t get canceled because of lack of sleep,” Olivia snarked as she led him down the hallway to their bedroom.

* * *

 “Mijo, remember our plan?” Rafael whispered into Noah’s ear.

 

“Yup!” Noah said gleefully.

 

“Sshh! Remember it’s supposed to be a surprise.”

 

“Sorry, Papi!”

 

“It’s okay. Are you ready?”

 

Noah nodded.

“Okay, let’s do it,” Rafael leaned down and kissed Noah on the top of his head.

 

Rafael and Noah walked over to where Liv was standing. She was watching three little penguins swim around in the water, “Noah, look at these little guys”

 

“Woah! Mommy, those penguins could be us! See that one would be you! And that one could be Papi, and the little one is me!” Noah mused.

 

Olivia laughed, “They could be us! Noah did you know that penguins are your Papi’s favorites? Rafa, did you see them?”

 

Rafael stepped close to Olivia and reached into his pocket, “Noah, you ready?”

 

Noah giggled, “Yup!”

 

“Ready for what?” Olivia questioned.

 

“Well,” Rafael reached into his pocket and pulled out a small well-worn black box, “Noah and I have been planning this for awhile now,” Rafael said softly, as he dropped to one knee.

 

Olivia let out a gasp, “Rafa…”

 

“Olivia, when I first met you, I was this hard nose guy who only saw the world in black and white. I hid behind these walls I built up around myself over the years. But then you came into my life and you changed me. You made me a better man when you knocked down those walls, brick by brick. You opened your world to me and I realized life doesn’t have to black and white. Your world is full of colors and beautiful things. I want to stay in this world. I want to stay in this world with you and Noah. Will you marry me?” Rafael opened the box to reveal a gold ring with a single diamond. It was simple yet elegant.

 

Olivia was overwhelmed by the moment as she began to cry. “Oh my god,” she whispered.

 

Noah growing impatient huffed, “Mommy! Say yes so we can get ice cream!”

 

Olivia laughed through her tears, “Yes, Rafael Barba. Yes I will marry you.”

 

Rafael slipped the ring onto her finger before standing up and placing a soft gentle kiss on Olivia’s lips, “I love you.”

 

“I love you too,” Olivia smiled, “The ring…it’s beautiful.”

 

Rafael wrapped his arms around Olivia tightly, “Abuelita helped me pick it out. I asked her for her help before she passed away. I knew back then that you were the one, Liv.”

 

Olivia rested her head on Rafael’s shoulder trying to take it all in, “After all this time?”

 

“Yes,” Rafael whispered, as he placed a kiss on her temple.”

 

Their moment was interrupted by Noah joining their hug, “this means we’re going to be a family forever now,” Noah grinned.

 

Olivia looked down at her son, “That’s right. So you two planned this whole thing, huh?”

 

“Papi asked me what I thought and I said he should ask you at the zoo. Then he said I would get ice cream if I kept it a secret and if you said yes. So can we get ice cream now? I have been waiting forever!” Noah was exasperated.

 

“Yes Mijo we can,” Rafael ruffled Noah’s hair.

 

“He’s so dramatic. He is definitely your son,” Olivia shook her head.

 

So off they went to find ice cream as a family.

 

 

 


End file.
